A few weeks ago I was pleasantly surprised to find a new message waiting for me on xanga. One of my favorite Xangans (have we collectively decided on what to call a xanga writer? Xangee? Xanganese?) had a week on the east coast and had extended an invitation to meet while she was here.
Of course I was more then happy to agree after years of mutual xanga following.
My day was already running behind schedule, but luckily for me she had some plans change as well. Our original plan was to have lunch, now with time an issue and a plane to catch, we'd have a drink at the hotel instead.
Hopped into my car, turned the 1940's french up, and hit 90 on the NJ turnpike. On a beautiful day I can't resist driving fast, windows down, speakers bumping music meant for victrolas.
The drive wasn't a bad one, I found myself in the hotel parking lot in what seemed like no time at all.
After a bit of coaxing to avoid the $15 parking fee, I found myself in a nice free spot.
"Now we wait!" I thought to myself, continuing to watch the flying machines scream overhead.
A text would beep on my phone. Plans had changed again. "We're not going to the hotel! We're going straight to the airport!"
I looked at the clock, and found yet another opportunity to use my favorite line from Fear and Loathing "....It was going to be close...!"
I sped out of the parking lot , much to the bewilderment of the front gate man, and started following signs for the airport.
"Newark Airport, Next Right" said the sign.
"Oh this wasn't going to be difficult......wait...what!? What is that!?!?". Road block. The road to the airport was closed! "Shiiiiiiiitttt......!" I'd have to find another way around.
Me:"I don't have time to get lost, GPS get me out of here!!!" GPS: Sorry you're lost! Lol Me: "sssshiiiii...."
Whatever, it can't be that hard to get acrossed the turnpike.
...
"Shhhiiiiiiii...!!!!!!!"
Scratch more time off the clock.
No service on my phone! "Shiiiiii........!" I'd have to text while driving, with the rabid Newark drivers speeding around me.
Mashing the keys I managed to type out "Which terminal" "Terminal C!!"
I was going the wrong way. "Shiiiiiiiiii........!!!!" Multiple U-turns later I found myself screeching into Terminal C texting once again...
"What door!?" "3!" she replied "I'm at 4!!!!" "Walking to you!"
And there she was. In my rear view, someone who I've never met, but knew most of my untold secrets.
I stepped out of my car and we both ran in for a hug.
"Finally made it!!!" we said with a laugh.
The stress of the previous hours was completely worth being able to meet the person whose writing I so admire. Staying true to xanga character, her personality radiates with the same energy I find so appealing.
We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed each others company (I hope) for the moment in time we were allowed.
Though plans changed and we found ourselves far from our original idea, the confusion absolutely added a stronger sense of conclusion when we finally met at the airport.
Some might not agree with me on this, but I think this was a perfect ending.
"I'm dancing alone in a sea of couples" I thought to myself on the dance floor; the realization slowing down my step.
"I'm sure half of these people didn't come together, they had to have found each other tonight.."
"...and if that is the reality of it, then why haven't I found anyone in this mess of bodies..."
I shouldn't have let the mental whisper get to me. It's never been a bother before, but for some reason it really struck me hard. I should be happy, on this my favorite holiday. I guess I wanted more...I wanted the night to be different. I wanted to smile and mean it...with someone other than myself.
I walked off the dance floor feeling defeated. The crowd of couples only reinforced the notion.
"Why not me?" I wondered. "Was it the fact that I don't initiate? Was it because I don't like to put my hands on a girl when I'm dancing?Do I really not like doing that, or have I just convinced myself in order to justify my shyness"
My Bathory-esque personality was no where to be found.
Instead my vulnerable mind raced, question after question. Here I was, on my favorite holiday, at one of the most famed parties in Philadelphia, dwelling on things that could have been rectified if only I didn't sit there dwelling on things....
After about half hour I finally realized I was playing the "sit on the side and watch everyone else have a good time role". I couldn't let this happen, not after I worked so hard to remove this part of my life. I had to get up. I had to make this night mine again. I had to.
My moment of clarity peaked simultaneously with the DJ spinning the best song of the night...and as if it never happened, I found myself heading back to the dance floor
I took my place in front of the DJ booth, closed my eyes, and danced my plagued mind into submission.
With a wide smile I opened my eyes. I was feeling much better now, almost happy, even if I was still alone.
And no exaggeration, but right on the cue of irony, a female form complete with fairy wings, bounced into my line and sight. She received and returned my wide smile with one of her own.
She held my gaze, as I held hers, the two of us moving closer after a minute or two of smile tossing.
We'd end up nose to nose for the remainder of the DJ's set, playfully mimicking each others moves, dancing together until she leaned in and said..
"I like your Koru" pointing to my necklace. I almost thought I heard her wrong...no one has ever called my Koru a Koru before.
"New Zealand right?" she said "Yeah!! Have you been!?" "Yeah, a spent a month there. Beautiful. And you?" "3 months"
We screamed over the heavy bass, talking of travel and future destinations until our conversation was pleasantly interrupted by the DJ and his live conga player.
The electronic beat gained a new sense of depth that my Latin heritage picked up on. As the beat changed, so too did my step, from electronic to salsa.
Appearing to my left was a couple who I gained a dislike for earlier on in the night. They too altered their style of dance, adding more spins, more rhythm instead of the raver-like flailing.
"Oh you're so good" the female shouted, the male looking at her, then me, with a smirk.
Of course I took that as a challenge...
I don't claim to be the best, but I can hold my own.
I winked to my fairy companion and said "Follow me" as I slid my hand around her waist and took her other hand in mine.
That finest hour I was looking for? Here it was.
All eyes were on us. The crowd, the DJ, even the girl recording video from the event had her camera aimed on our routine.
With a dip, we ended to the sound of applause. I can't recall how much time actually passed, but I loved every second. It was only later that my female friend revealed to me that she was a Spanish teacher and had been dancing for years!
We spent the rest of the party together. Dancing, talking, laughing, having ourselves a good time.
That was until the end...
Around 6am she decided to head home, I walked her to the door. Her ride had already left without her, but since she lived close it wasn't a big deal. She said she would walk or get a taxi since it was raining.
With a hug and a kiss on the cheek, she was gone.
I didn't want her to go alone, I could have given her a ride........but I didn't.
I had a reason for not leaving right then and there with her, but looking back on it now, it wasn't important. Not important enough to prioritize over her.
I should have just gone. I should have gone. I don't know what I was thinking letting her leave alone, to walk home in the rain!?!? I can not believe myself.
The entire night ended up being a success, but I'd be lying if I said Regret hasn't been stinging me since...
I did happen to find her on a networking site...
I'd like to send her a message, but the moment is gone. Words won't make up for a "should have" , and even so what would I say? "oh hey I've been stalking the internet for you and surprise! I found you!" ?
I'm not good when it comes to endings. I can never tell what things I should let go of and what things I should pursue....
Can't tell when things are only a moment in time, or should last for longer.
I should be happy with the night as it was. But I always want more.
True
